When I wrote my letter to my moms, it seemed much easier for me to share my thoughts about them. I am having a bit more difficulty sharing my thoughts about my dads. I’m not really sure why that is, or maybe I have an idea.
I think it all stems from my time of my adoption and my own experience of searching, and my relationship with my adoptive dad. Society told me that I needed to keep the secret and not look for my birth dad – when I reunited with my birth mom – she gave me a name but was so frightened that I would search for him that she stopped speaking to me for a year and then painfully shared she was terrified that I had looked for him – this is what society’s shame had created within her and passed to me. My relationship with my own dad has been very disconnected and unhealthy. I felt that I did not want to recreate that relationship, so I have not searched for my Birth Father.
That does not mean I do not think of him or wonder about him, especially on days like Father’s Day. I think of him as I watch my husband connect, care, and love his children. I think of him when I am with other families and see the role of “fathers” I watch with fascination how they do things and listen to their stories of connections with their kids. I think of them when I am listening to a story from an adoptee, adoptive parent, or birth parent, and I think gaining some insight into my own journey and understanding of what the history of adoption has done to relationships – and I might add, not all of that history is good. Has it let Birth Fathers down? Has it made them feel like they also had no voice? Has it also taught them that they need to be “tough” and just get on with life? Has it taught them that they do not matter? In hearing some of the stories from men, I do think all those messages were given, and what a sad state for society to be in.
I think we need to hear more stories from our Dads – It would be good to get their perception of what they felt, feel, and want – what happened to them?
I would love to hear both my dad’s stories – and wish for a time when they can look past what society dictated so they feel they could share what’s in their hearts. A time when they can feel safe enough to share them. Even though I do not know the story – I have learned enough to know that I can wish good things out into the world, and hopefully, they hear it – or maybe feel it.
Happy Father’s Day to my Dads.
Love and Light your Daughter
